So, I have gestational diabetes. Now let me start by saying that I know this certainly isn’t the end of the world, and will very likely go once I give birth, but I will admit that I did have a bit of a pity party for one once I found out. I had the test quite early with my original OB and he called me with the results saying everything looked absolutely fine and no concerns. So I mentally ticked that off the list. We then went in for our first meeting with the hospital OB who started our visit by saying “lets address the bad news first shall we (the WORST thing to tell someone who has had multiple misscarriages by the way…!!) ………the fact that you have gestational diabetes” He said that apparently some doctors have a different measure to the hospitals and by the hospitals measure I have it….by .1 Now, as I said, this is by no means terrible and is very easily managed but that afternoon I fell in a heap. I thought all of the years of poking and prodding and testing and checking were mainly behind me and now I was being told that I would have to test my blood sugar 4 times a day and could not longer indulge in the ice cream that has become a (very poor) wine substitute at the end of a hard day. I’m tired…..my body is tired…! Guilt. I feel guilty and ungrateful for even having the nerve to feel sorry for myself like I am. In reality I would test myself every hour on the hour if it would mean that this beautiful little girl comes into this world safely. When I told friends they were quick with a “it will all be worth it in the end” and I absolutely know that it will. I’m just being a sook.
I had my 20 week scan last week and all is normal. I really didn’t think I was such a fan of the word normal until each measurement was coming back with that result…..normal is amazing!!
I also have a new set of stress factors…..mainly money. Trying to get pregnant in my 40’s has meant that we just havent had the luxury of time. Time to recover emotionally, but mainly time to recover finacially. You grab money from wherever you can just to make the next cycle happen. We borrowed against the house twice, increased loans and even borrowed money off my pensioner Mum!! Now that we are wonderfully pregnant I am again looking to see where we can get money from but this time to pay bills whist I’m off. At this stage it looks like I will only be able to take the 4 months of maternity leave paid for by the Govt ($500 odd dollars a week) as I just don’t think we can afford for me to take any more (is it bad to say that it will be nice to get a Govt benefit of some sort….you tend not to be eligible for a lot of the rebates and bonuses when you are working full time….) We are saving as much as we can but that may just be the reality. Work is also a major stress factor at the moment with major financial issues and pressures on staff that are giving me sleepless nights wondering if they would look to find a way to fire me prior to my maternity leave…..after 5 years with the company I would like to think that wouldn’t even be a thought but I’m just not feeling safe at all in this regard and if I am not working full time when I go on maternity leave the Govt will not pay the maternity leave pay for 4 months. My other concern is if I have to finish work a lot earlier than my birth…..I used all of my sick leave and annual leave for our last trip to South Africa in July and the bits that I have been accruing since have been used for hospital appointments so this will mean leave without pay if that ends up being the case.
So there are all of my complaints…..but in reality things couldn’t be better. I am starting to pop a bit which is making me finally start to feel I might just be pregnant. I’m also starting to feel little flutters which I am led to believe are her moving around (she is very active around 3.30pm which is fantastic if that continues to be her active time…..rather than the same time in the AM….I know, I know….tell her she’s dreaming!!) This was our absolute last shot at being parents. We had tried IVF using my own eggs a number of times which resulted in 2 pregnancies and resulting loss. We did 3 donor cycles, travelling to South Africa 3 times in 9 months with another pregnancy and loss at 9 ½ weeks. I am 45 now and we were done, both financially and with certainly with regards to age. This was the last cycle and I had some peace that, upon reflection, I would be able to say that we absolutely tried everything and gave it our all…no regrets. And then the most amazing thing happened…..this wonderful and strong little girl started to grow and started to flourish within me. It seems so trite to call this shot our ‘lucky last’, as there are so many wonderfully deserving people who don’t get this result, but it was and we just couldn’t be happier 🙂